I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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