Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
Randomize
