I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
