There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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