Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Randomize
