I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Randomize
