I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Randomize
