if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
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