i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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