YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Randomize
