You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
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