if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Randomize
