he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
