Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
Exactly. I don't do penetration on the first date. Blowjobs however are perfectly acceptable.
I encourage the greeting beej. It determines if the dick is worth keeping around.
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
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