just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
I have grass duct taped all over my body
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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