so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Randomize
