Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Randomize
