he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Randomize
