I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
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