who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
Watching her eat just hurts me
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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