So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Randomize
