That's your vagina. No one goes out and burns it
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
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