mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Randomize
