Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
