Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
And then the night went full on bisexual.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
