My boss' voice literally gives me gas
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
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