Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
Randomize
