your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
If I die, sorry about rent.
Randomize
