so that wasnt chicken after all
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
The power of my boobs compel you
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
