I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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