Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
