I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
