My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Randomize
