Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
