sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
