wake up i wanna do it froggy style
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
