Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
