I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
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