my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
