I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
i just google imaged poop.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
