Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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