When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
The police scanner is talking about you again....
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
