i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
Swine flu is the new snow day.
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
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