i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
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