Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
Randomize
