i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
