I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I'm getting married
To pizza
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize
