Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
