My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Randomize
