I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
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